My posting from yesterday on FB,saying exactly what I feel and think now :
My ambitions killed my first marriage.
Then they drove me to my second wife.
The one that in return almost killed me.
Now I have to walk a new path,where my ambitions will lead me this time and what they will bring is still an open question.
But never the matter,I am just following them,no one else to blame for the outcome.
The past can´t be changed anymore,the future is totally unknown,only the present I do have,saying me that changes are needed,go for it,you stupid bastard,already whole your life you did your own thing,so do it once more,you can make the balance at the end,at least there will be no place for regrets about things you haven´t tried.Take the step out of the door and trust on your parachute.
As I state here,have been doing my own thing already my whole life,with more and less succes sometimes.I know I am a bit hardheaded sometimes and if I do want something,I do go for it,sometimes to intuitive and without thinking.However,this gave me a life till now,most people never would experience even half of it,do not feel any regrets about it at all.
Now I am at the point in my life that I am again at the beginning of a whole new path,makes me rethinking a lot about what has been and what might be the best choices at the moment,but whatever choice I go for,the outcome is unknown in advance,just need to give it a try and accept what will be.
The most difficult point in the decision I do have to take now is the fact that I will not be able to see my children so oft anymore,that for sure hurts.Tomorrow I have an hour with my psychologist,whom I am seeing since autumn last year on regular base,will talk about this dilemma with here,because somehow I need this new start and change,but I am still not sure for myself if I can do this,just running away partial from my responsibility as a father,not being somewhere in reachable distance for my children whenever they need me.As for sure they will have to face hard moments i do guess with my ex in the future.
It´s all so hard and did wish there were other ways,but cannot see any.Even rethinking from morning till evening doesn´t change anything about that fact.
Somehow,everything will turn out I do think,like it always has found some solution before in my life.Hope this time this will be the last big change,have made enough U turns already I guess.
Today I haven´t been working much,the same as this whole week already,totally not at all in the mood to do anything,as I know and feel that soon everything will change and it doesn´t matter that much anymore if I do some effort.have just been out later in the afternoon today to have an ice-cream.Went to Balzer cafetaria in Oybin,a nice place where they have delicious ice cream.I ordered one that looked great on the menu card.But when it arrived it was so big that I didn´t manage at all to eat it,however it was delicious.A pity i didn´eat it whole,I always do feel guilty when ordering something and not eating it completely,but I was so full,I couldn´t manage.
Looking forward to see my psych tomorrow,has been some time ago I was there,so a lot to tell.Even when till now she didn´t give to my feeling that much advice,it helps a lot being able to tell ma story there to someone really listening.
Also continued a chat with a lady on tinder.I have another one with whom I am writing already several days,according here pictures much attractive to me but very young,only 22 yo.This second one is at least 30 yo.She gave me here mail,so we can communicate by mail now,what is much more comfortable,she´s also attractive,bit the younger one catches my eyes a bit more.Both are from Kenya.As I have been using tinder plus to be virtual on another place,and i was looking around in Nairobi that way.In a really short time I got more than 120 matches,proving that the lady over there are really looking and waiting to find a white man,while supposing those do have money,what´s not at all a fact in my case.
This will probably lead to nothing at all,but it keeps me busy and make me feel a bit less alone.