sunday 9/11

A day with a remarkable date,no one ever will forget what happened that day 2001.

I was at that moment still working as sales manager Southern Germany for Minier nurseries from France.That day we were in Beuren/ Baden-Würtemberg,my now ex and here stephmother Hanna where with me in a small apartment in a house of an old friendly lady there.I came to the appartment in the late afternoon,earlier than planned,just on the right moment to with on the TV set and seeing the first airplane hitting the WTC building the first tower.

Was unbelievable,I knew directly as by intuition that this was al Quida and Osama bin Laden behind this,a name I found several times in the news magazine  der Spiegel in the previous months.

Not going to start a political debate about this here,but I have my own meaning about why and what lead to all this for sure.

Nevertheless it´s so sad and you can´t avoid thinking about that on a day like this,15 years later.So with that on my mind,I do have to admit that my little problems are nothing at all,compared to what this incident brought to ten thousand maybe even hundred of thousand of people around the globe.

So for sure I have been rethinking again a bit today,came back just after noon from my trip to Pesky Krumlov.Haven´t been doing anything useful the whole day I do have to admit.Just wrote a useless email to my ex,expressing my feelings and my way of seeing some things,even knowing this lead to nothing,sometimes I cannot resist the need to do so,I also passed it to the girl that has been some months with me,she knows all about the situation,but than she wrote me by FB messenger and here comment didn´t please me at all.She thinks she can say somehow what I can do yes or not,so decided for myself today that in the future I will not pass here any info on that situation anymore.

Over and finished.End of the line.

Now sitting on my balcony enjoying a great evening and a glass of red wine,preparing to go to bed.

 

 

rethinking

My posting from yesterday on FB,saying exactly what I feel and think now :

My ambitions killed my first marriage.
Then they drove me to my second wife.
The one that in return almost killed me.
Now I have to walk a new path,where my ambitions will lead me this time and what they will bring is still an open question.
But never the matter,I am just following them,no one else to blame for the outcome.
The past can´t be changed anymore,the future is totally unknown,only the present I do have,saying me that changes are needed,go for it,you stupid bastard,already whole your life you did your own thing,so do it once more,you can make the balance at the end,at least there will be no place for regrets about things you haven´t tried.Take the step out of the door and trust on your parachute.

 

As I state here,have been doing my own thing already my whole life,with more and less succes sometimes.I know I am a bit hardheaded sometimes and if I do want something,I do go for it,sometimes to intuitive and without thinking.However,this gave me a life till now,most people never would experience even half of it,do not feel any regrets about it at all.

Now I am at the point in my life that I am again at the beginning of a whole new path,makes me rethinking a lot about what has been and what might be the best choices at the moment,but whatever choice I go for,the outcome is unknown in advance,just need to give it a try and accept what will be.

The most difficult point in the decision I do have to take now is the fact that I will not be able to see my children so oft anymore,that for sure hurts.Tomorrow I have an hour with my psychologist,whom I am seeing since autumn last year on regular base,will talk about this dilemma with here,because somehow I need this new start and change,but I am still not sure for myself if I can do this,just running away partial from my responsibility as a father,not being somewhere in reachable distance for my children whenever they need me.As for sure they will have to face hard moments i do guess with my ex in the future.

It´s all so hard and did wish there were other ways,but cannot see any.Even rethinking from morning till evening doesn´t change anything about that fact.

Somehow,everything will turn out I do think,like it always has found some solution before in my life.Hope this time this will be the last big change,have made enough U turns already I guess.

Today I haven´t been working much,the same as this whole week already,totally not at all in the mood to do anything,as I know and feel that soon everything will change and it doesn´t matter that much anymore if I do some effort.have just been out later in the afternoon today to have an ice-cream.Went to Balzer cafetaria in Oybin,a nice place where they have delicious ice cream.I ordered one that looked great on the menu card.But when it arrived it was so big that I didn´t manage at all to eat it,however it was delicious.A pity i didn´eat it whole,I always do feel guilty when ordering something and not eating it completely,but I was so full,I couldn´t manage.

Looking forward to see my psych tomorrow,has been some time ago I was there,so a lot to tell.Even when till now she didn´t give to my feeling that much advice,it helps a lot being able to tell ma story there to someone really listening.

Also continued a chat with a lady on tinder.I have another one with whom I am writing already several days,according here pictures much attractive to me but very young,only 22 yo.This second one is at least 30 yo.She gave me here mail,so we can communicate by mail now,what is much more comfortable,she´s also attractive,bit the younger one catches my eyes a bit more.Both are from Kenya.As I have been using tinder plus to be virtual on another place,and i was looking around in Nairobi that way.In a really short time I got more than 120 matches,proving that the lady over there are really looking and waiting to find a white man,while supposing those do have money,what´s not at all a fact in my case.

This will probably lead to nothing at all,but it keeps me busy and make me feel a bit less alone.ice-cream-in-oybin

 

 

 

Time for changes again

Finally decided to start writing something about my life story,taking again some strange unexpected U-turns.

Due to many circumstances ( will write all about that for sure later) I am now at a point where I need to turn my life once more completely up and down.

After 16 years of hard working,I am now at the point to by financial broken completely again. Bankruptcy is coming and all what I have been working for all those years will be lost.

So already some time I did have the feeling that it would be needed to go new completely different ways in my life.So last week I finally decided for myself that I would quit completely what I am doing actually and start searching for new ways.With pain in my heart I decided that I would need to find a job,and stop being independent.

So on Monday I started my search,want to find something as far abroad away as possible,the only solution that will give me a chance to make a complete new start.So after having already some time form a friend living in Bangkok saying that probably he could find me a job there,and after meeting last weet on the exhibition in Warsaw an orchids procure from Thailand, I decided myself to start a search in this field of activity´s as it is related close to what I am doing now.

So I started to make a CV and an cover letter.So did start sending them by mail on Monday to companies which I found on the net and working in that field.

After sending only 12 I received the first reaction,and the most funny about that is the fact that it was addressed to someone else,but by mistake i did send it to another company.

Here is the mail I received :

hello Nico,
your e mail is actually addressed to someone else but i am also the owner of an export company for orchids
i would like to schedule a Skype call with you. when will be a good time for you?
thank you,
Tzvika
So yesterday I had that Skype call with mr.Tzvika,and it was very positive,they seem to be really interested and I think there´s a big chance that I will get a job there.next Monday another Skype call with one of his managers not present there yesterday is scheduled.
I really need that big change to get a new chance to go on with my life and start all over again once more.Not for the first time.
Somehow exited about it,but also with mixed feelings,as I will not be able to see much my children anymore,but what has to be has to be.Hoping on a successful story this time.So seems that I soon will have to pack my traveling bags and goodbye Europe,welcome Asia and Thailand.